There is so much to do that I have lost motivation and haven’t been working with particular efficiency. I am preparing a report, however, and Lyuba has been helping me with the stenography along with a few other hired hands. Our chairman and the others have left for the Conference, and I have been taking advantage of it—I swim ever more intensively and only work for half the day.
Things are so sickening that I don’t even feel like talking. Only my work saves me—it saves me because as it organizes my life, it exhausts me, and since it exhausts me, it organizes my life. Lyuba and work—I see nothing else nowadays. See more
They questioned Guchkov for the third day straight. It is difficult to seem more morose than he is and to speak more morosely than he does. At least I swim. Tomorrow, I hope, after one more hearing, I will be able to get away for a while and swim.
Когда так долго не видишься с тобой, часто нужно многое сказать, обо многом советоваться, потом это заслоняется другим, входишь в другую колею. Что со мной будет (в смысле войны), я еще совершенно не знаю; пока — дела много, из-за этого многое забываешь. Так много с тобой не сказано, что даже, когда пишу, одолевает торопливость. Как хорошо, что тебе надоело быть «провинциальной актрисой», у меня к этому много бывает разных чувств. Ну, до свиданья, выезжай, как только можешь скорей.
I miss you terribly and ever more often – this despite the fact that my life is filled to the brim (and I’m still writing to you about this – for the fifth or sixth time, it would seem). Sometimes I yearn so much for you that it’s hard to put into words – right now, for example; I’ve a quiet hour, if only I could spend it with you.
Today is Ascension, and I got up early at 7 o' clock and went to Detinets; there are birch trees and lilacs there, green grass, on the remains of the wall, far under the legs of Great Pskov, from all sides the white Church and the blue sky merged, and all was well with me. I only desperately wished that you were there and saw it.
I am one of the three editors working for the Extraordinary Investigation Commission. I go to the Winter Palace and read the letters of Nikolai Romanov, then work at home. I need to keep my work secret. I hope to be present at the interrogations. My salary is 600 roubles. If I have time, I would like to come to see you, little Boo. But I would very much like you to live here, and if it’s money that’s bothering you, as you see, there’s nothing to worry about – here, you would be able to get better settled in, or prepare better for the winter.
As you left, you told me of the threat of Lenin’s followers. Can it really be that you do not understand, that the worst thing is not Lenin’s followers, but the dreadful profanities which persist in the hearth of every Russian home?
Forgive me for disturbing you, but I don't know, how we are going to live further. We would live a little bit togetger. Maybe that's a weakness, but if this war continues, I will be able to take revenge on them. I know that I'm calling you into a terrible life, but I can not help calling out, only because of you I'm holding on. I need you as air, without you there is nothing to breathe.
I have already managed to succumb to sadness and apathy—I don't know why I exist and what will happen to me in the future. I am only silent days on end. How long have I not seen you, how boring and uncomfortable it is without you, and soon it will be old age. That’s how it is—you live with whom you don't want to live, and don't live with whom you want to live. It is very hard and bitter without you. What is this for? God be with you.
I do not know whether it will be possible to leave soon, for thousands of reasons, but I really want to and I want to see you. I'm quite through with stupidity, which here abounds.